As I sit in the dining room reminiscing over the past week, I find myself staring at the rain outside with an immense sense of joy and peace inside. About a week ago though, I did not have even close to this amount of peace. Honestly, I was ready to pack up and go home. I wanted to write about what happened early last week right after it happened, but here I am writing about it over a week later…therefore, I had to go to my journal to remind myself of the pain I was experiencing then.
One thing I want to do with my blog is be super raw and real; so I want to quote my journal entry from one of the toughest days:
“I feel HORRIBLE!! Like absolutely wrecked. My head is pounding and my stomach is at a constant state of uneasy. I haven’t been comfortable in quite some time and feel agitated. [I somehow got a parasite and bacterial infection.] This parasite is HORRIBLE! Lord, I don’t want to be awake for this pain. I want to sleep through it. I can NOT bare it. Yes, I may be dramatic but it is terrible, TERRIBLE. Jesus, I was up praying for comfort for so long last night. Where I am is far from comfortable. I am use to being home in my bed, but I was on a sleeping pad in my sweaty, all consuming sleeping bag. Lord, I miss being at my bed back home, with my mom, a bath, warm shower, couch, tv, COMFORT! Ugh! Lord, I don’t feel like I can do this. I don’t want to right now honestly. I want to go home. I want to give up. What difference am I actually really going to make?”
“What difference am I really going to make?” Wow! That’s a heavy question and one, if I am being real, that I find myself asking often. It’s easy to get caught up in that question and let negative thoughts take your mind captive. After my journal entry, I ended up reading Ecclesiastes for some reason that made no sense to me because I rarely read the Old Testament. But, it was put on my heart and for a good reason. There were a couple verses that hit home:
“Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us” -Eccl. 7:3
“Don’t long for ‘the good old days,’ for you don’t know if they were any better than today” -Eccl. 7:10
“Enjoy prosperity while you can. But when hard times strike, realize both come from God. That way you realize that nothing is certain in this life” -Eccl. 7:14
“Indeed how can people avoid what they don’t know is going to happen” -Eccl. 8:7
“If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done. God’s ways are as hard to discern as the pathways of the wind, and as mysterious as a tiny baby being formed in a mother’s womb” -Eccl. 11:4-5
(The author of Ecclesiastes is Solomon and he was blessed with the wisdom from the Lord. With much wisdom comes much weight, which can both be a burden and blessing. Although, without this wisdom that Solomon shared, I know I would not have been able to make it through particularly this hard time. Side note: Solomon is not the only author in the Bible that talks about suffering, but I am focusing on his words for this particular situation.)
I know that I threw many verses at you but I believe they have the same underlying message that I needed to hear: life is tough right now, but it is here that you will be refined and running away to “the good all days” does not guarantee comfort and life. After reading a decent amount of chapters, I wrote in my journal: “You (God) have me in a quiet place, refining and shaping me. You are WITH me and helping me grow and to look more like who you created me to be! Thank you, Lord!”
My cries of distress turned into cries of hope for what was to come. This does not mean that I was automatically 100% better and ready to go conquer the day, but meant I had something worth while to hold onto in the pain. I was excited for the future even if the present was “HORRIBLE”. One of the things that is really incredible about following Jesus is the joy he gives you in the midst of suffering. You are given an eternity mindset and the present doesn’t have as big of a hold on you.
I wanted to share this with you as this has been an incredibly refining past month. There have been many highs and many lows. I know it’s just as important to let you in on the lows as the highs. Today, I feel much better thanks to God! If I had just gave up and went home, I would not have experienced the other incredible things the Lord had in store for me at the end of last week, which I will talk about in my next blog!!
Thank you friends and family for following me along in my journeys! Please be praying for protection over my entire squad all throughout Guatemala and all the communities we are in! May God continue moving in and through all of us. Please also pray health over everyone in our squad, as sicknesses still roam amongst us all. Lastly, please send prayer requests. I would love to be praying for you guys as well!
Victoria! This blog is so raw and so real! Thank you for sharing what God is doing in you even through all of this crazy journeys discomforts. I know as well as you that God is using these uncomfortable moments and times to bring us closer to him. This is evident with you going to the word and it speaking to you exactly what you needed to hear. Love this and love you!
Jaden
Victoria, thank God your feeling better. Everything we go through is for a reason, even through the pain & difficult moments God is doing great things in our life but it’s difficult to see it because the pain blinds us. But glory to God that moment is over.
And by the way, your making an impactful difference. God is using you in your ministry and I can see it also in our squad. Your such a blessing to all of us. I see the way the Lord uses you to talk & encourage & lift others up. Your unique & God place you in our squad because we need you and I know your also making a difference in Guatemala.
Blessings,
Kevin
Victoria,
Thank you for your realness…. So glad that you are able to reach out and connect with God- sometimes He is our only refuge. Your realness in your blog makes a difference to all those who read it. Your encouragement and your journey is real.
Eccl 11:4-5 hit me as there is rarely a perfect time and waiting for it, may not be God’s highest good.
Your courage to be crazy uncomfortable and not giving up is inspiriting.
Praying for you and your squad for protection and health. Love you!!!, Lynda
So eloquently written and amazingly real. I am enjoying getting to know you and see you through your journey.
Victoria!! Thanks for sharing your heart & giving us a glimpse of the ways that God is refining and teaching you. Ecclesiastes 7:14 is probably one of my favorite verses—he’s made both the day of prosperity and the day of adversity, and we don’t know what’s coming next!! It pushes us into intimacy with and dependence on the Father. I’m so excited about what He’s doing in you and I’m grateful to get to see a bit of the process!! I’m praying for you!!! In your corner, xoxox KP
Victoria,
Miss Barbara shared this beautiful, humbling blog with me, and I was moved to tears to excitement for you. As I was reading, I recall numerous times of wanting to throw in the towel myself (although not for the same pain), but I was encouraged by your stamina and Faith.
I realized I am not on your email list, so hopefully I can be added.
Praying for you as you continue leaning on Jesus and take each step of Faith believing in His promises.
Blessings,
Margie
This suffering sounds terrible, but I love how God led you to these comforting words from Solomon. We are praying for you! We are deeply inspired by your willingness to stay in the place of tension and discomfort; there is nothing easy about this. It does not sound easy but you are such an encouragement.
Thanks for getting raw with us! I smirked when you said you felt like you should read Ecclesiastes. It’s such a banger for the race. Get’s us all at some point. Got you early!
Love you sis.
Thought I would keep on the Ecclesiastes train. OMG Victoria, so truthful, vulnerable, and overcoming and victorious.
“Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.”
??Ecclesiastes? ?7:8? ?ESV??
You’re going to finish strong Victoria. He who even thinks of looking back like lots wife is not fit for the kingdom to quote Jesus.
You are a living pistol and embodiment of the truth that though our outer person is perishing our inner man or woman, the real us is being renewed day by day2. Or 4
He’s at work and will not be stopped until the chunk of marble, the Blake canvas of our lives is turned into a masterpiece. Proud of you Victoria keep running your race with endurance and perseverance.
“For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.”
??Romans? ?8:29? ?ESV??
Thank you, Kevin! That is incredibly kind of you to say. So happy to have you on the squad as well!
Thanks Jaden! Love you too!
Thank you so so much!! Love and miss you! I love being real with you guys (:
Thank you Holly! Happy you are getting to know me better through this platform (:
Thank you Kara! Praying for you and all your journeys as well! Hyped for debrief when I get to hear them all in person.
Hey, I added you to the list! This has definitely been a hard past couple weeks but also super blessed by the Lord. Thank you for following along!
Thank you Chris!! Thank you for following along as well. Love being able to partner in this journey with you!
Thank you for all the wise words! And thank you for being in all of our corners.
Love you too!
I love you so so much Barbara! Thank you!! Stepping into the uncomfortable is incredibly tough. I miss you very much as well!
Wow! This is what loving Jesus is all about. I am so proud of you as to how you handled this, going to Him, to verses on suffering, and not giving up. (I had giardia once and HORRIBLE is right on.) Just this testimony is “having an impact.” Your life is a message to all around you. I love that you did not give in to the wishes for “comfort.” Keep the messages coming. I love you dearly! (I texted with Kori after she got to Jordan. She is doing well, but I miss you both. Praying for both of you every day.)
Get. After. It. 🙂 Proud of you for digging in when it’s hard – keep at it and know that there is gonna be sooooo much goodness that comes out of how hard this year is gonna be! Praying for ya!