As I sit in the dining room reminiscing over the past week, I find myself staring at the rain outside with an immense sense of joy and peace inside. About a week ago though, I did not have even close to this amount of peace. Honestly, I was ready to pack up and go home. I wanted to write about what happened early last week right after it happened, but here I am writing about it over a week later…therefore, I had to go to my journal to remind myself of the pain I was experiencing then. 

One thing I want to do with my blog is be super raw and real; so I want to quote my journal entry from one of the toughest days: 

“I feel HORRIBLE!! Like absolutely wrecked. My head is pounding and my stomach is at a constant state of uneasy. I haven’t been comfortable in quite some time and feel agitated. [I somehow got a parasite and bacterial infection.] This parasite is HORRIBLE! Lord, I don’t want to be awake for this pain. I want to sleep through it. I can NOT bare it. Yes, I may be dramatic but it is terrible, TERRIBLE. Jesus, I was up praying for comfort for so long last night. Where I am is far from comfortable. I am use to being home in my bed, but I was on a sleeping pad in my sweaty, all consuming sleeping bag. Lord, I miss being at my bed back home, with my mom, a bath, warm shower, couch, tv, COMFORT! Ugh! Lord, I don’t feel like I can do this. I don’t want to right now honestly. I want to go home. I want to give up. What difference am I actually really going to make?”

“What difference am I really going to make?” Wow! That’s a heavy question and one, if I am being real, that I find myself asking often. It’s easy to get caught up in that question and let negative thoughts take your mind captive. After my journal entry, I ended up reading Ecclesiastes for some reason that made no sense to me because I rarely read the Old Testament. But, it was put on my heart and for a good reason. There were a couple verses that hit home: 

“Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us” -Eccl. 7:3

“Don’t long for ‘the good old days,’ for you don’t know if they were any better than today” -Eccl. 7:10

“Enjoy prosperity while you can. But when hard times strike, realize both come from God. That way you realize that nothing is certain in this life” -Eccl. 7:14

“Indeed how can people avoid what they don’t know is going to happen” -Eccl. 8:7

“If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done. God’s ways are as hard to discern as the pathways of the wind, and as mysterious as a tiny baby being formed in a mother’s womb” -Eccl. 11:4-5

(The author of Ecclesiastes is Solomon and he was blessed with the wisdom from the Lord. With much wisdom comes much weight, which can both be a burden and blessing. Although, without this wisdom that Solomon shared, I know I would not have been able to make it through particularly this hard time. Side note: Solomon is not the only author in the Bible that talks about suffering, but I am focusing on his words for this particular situation.)

I know that I threw many verses at you but I believe they have the same underlying message that I needed to hear: life is tough right now, but it is here that you will be refined and running away to “the good all days” does not guarantee comfort and life. After reading a decent amount of chapters, I wrote in my journal: “You (God) have me in a quiet place, refining and shaping me. You are WITH me and helping me grow and to look more like who you created me to be! Thank you, Lord!” 

My cries of distress turned into cries of hope for what was to come. This does not mean that I was automatically 100% better and ready to go conquer the day, but meant I had something worth while to hold onto in the pain. I was excited for the future even if the present was “HORRIBLE”. One of the things that is really incredible about following Jesus is the joy he gives you in the midst of suffering. You are given an eternity mindset and the present doesn’t have as big of a hold on you. 

I wanted to share this with you as this has been an incredibly refining past month. There have been many highs and many lows. I know it’s just as important to let you in on the lows as the highs. Today, I feel much better thanks to God! If I had just gave up and went home, I would not have experienced the other incredible things the Lord had in store for me at the end of last week, which I will talk about in my next blog!!

Thank you friends and family for following me along in my journeys! Please be praying for protection over my entire squad all throughout Guatemala and all the communities we are in! May God continue moving in and through all of us. Please also pray health over everyone in our squad, as sicknesses still roam amongst us all. Lastly, please send prayer requests. I would love to be praying for you guys as well!